Hey guys this is Melanie again (OMG i'm actualyy loving this blog thing) anyways i just wrote a free verse poem and am hoping you guys will be critical (please constructive critism) about it. It's called the green eyed monster and i wanted to write it about it after reading my baby cousin the book Berenstien bear which infact was about jealousy....which i and many call the green eyed monster...hope you like it (yn)
The Green Eyed Monster
He lurks everywhere waiting to find
A victim that he can take back to possess the mind
I escaped those monstrous claws,
Those endeavoring green eyes,
The drool dripping from the clenched jaws.
When I opened my mouth I couldn’t hear my cries.
She was attacked by him years ago
As I sat and watched him take my beautiful doe.
She changed the way she acted, spoke and laughed.
With every minute, escaping into a shaft
I see today a soulless creature in her,
He lurked her mind but now lurks to find others
I ask,
Can you leave her alone?
He replies
Can seeds leave a flower?
Can touch leave human?
Can the sun go away forever?
This time I won’t let him escape
I’ll trap him in a wooden gate
This time it’ll be him in my claws
I’ll scratch him till he’s but a thin straw.
This time it’ll be he who cries,
But I’ll suffocate him till he dies.
Then I look around and realize,
Has this green eyed monster multiplied?
~ Melanie ~
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5 comments:
Nice job, Melanie! I really like your personification of jealousy. This line, however, is a bit awkward: "A victim that he can take back to possess the mind". You are following a rhyme scheme, though, so I'm not really sure how you could change that. For the line "Can touch leave human?" you might want add "a" before human. While I like the idea of ending with a question, I think in this case it doesn't really work that well. "Then I look around and realize, / Has this green eyed monster multiplied?" If the speaker realizes something, I don't think it should be a question. Maybe you could change it to be something like: "Then I look around and realize, / this green eyed monster has multiplied" Or perhaps you could change "realize" and keep the question.
- Amal
The rhyme scheme left you a little limited, so I think you could consider writing the poem without the rhyme scheme, because then you can include more details on the green-eyed monster. Otherwise, it's really well written. Good job!
-Angelina
u noee watt guyss..DOSEE ARE RELIII SMEXII COMMENTSS I'LL USEEE THEM....SPANXXXX A BUNCH LUVV U LIKEE SOX LUV SHOEZZZ
nice way of expressing jealousy, Mel. When I read the title, the first thing that popped into my head was Berenstein Bears' and how sister bear gets so jealous.
Nice work,
~~~Bagavathy :D
Great job performing this today, Mel! P.S. I've read this book before :D
~~~
~Caitlin~
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