Hey, this is Angelina and I'm really, really sorry for littering the blog with my completely pointless posts, but this time, I need your comments v. badly. I wrote this poem and am pondering whether or not to put it in my anthology. It's not great, and I feel like it's missing something, but I can't think of what it is. Please help me out! All comments welcome and greatly needed! Thanks, guys!
Single Memory of You
My radio alarm clock
Rang at six
Signaling the beginning of my day
Somewhere down in the distance
I barely hear it, as I
Stare at words
Scribbled in my notebook
They are your words
Written in that slant
You always wrote in
Barely legible
It takes me a while
To figure out
Exactly what you
Had tried to say
I rise out of the old chair
That always squeaked
When you sat on it
I stare out the window
At the still, pitch-black sky
I wonder what I had done
To make you leave me
Without a single goodbye
Just some words
Scribbled hurriedly
In my notebook
I blow at the ink
Hoping, perhaps, that
It would still be wet
A sign that you
Had not gone
For too long
The paper flutters
In my seemingly
Eternal sorrow
I close the notebook
Slamming it shut
Shutting out the memory
Of you and me
On the beach
With the warm sand
Between our toes
And the cool water
Lapsing at our ankles
In happier times
Running out
From the room that
Suddenly had become
Too suffocating
For me to stay in
I threw my notebook
In the nearest
Trashcan
Just like all the times
I saw the landlord do so
With some unsuspecting
Rat
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8 comments:
Angelina, I think it's great! I like the title, especially. Although it proclaims that the notebook is the single memory of the person who left, I don't think it is. Even when she throws it away, there is always that squeak of that chair that he sat in to remind her of him. And probably more. You represented the desperate attempts to erase people from our minds when they hurt us very well. My favourite part was when she let the ink dry before she threw away the notebook.
The only critcism I can think of is that you kind of jump tenses... I think it should be "I blow at the ink" rather than "I blew at the ink". Also, "I close the notebook" rather than "I closed the notebook".
- Amal
Oh, also, in the beginning... the radio alarm clock could play a song. I'm not sure if you'd want to do that, but that's how I wake up in the morning- to random music!
You could also give more details. Like what the notebook looks like.
Well, I definitely thinks it is anthology material.
- Amal
What I had kind of meant to do was that the girl is kind of losing the concept of time...but maybe it just sounds gramatically incorrect. Any ideas on how to portray that without sounding like I'm "jumping tenses"? Greatly appreaciated!
-Angelina
Angelina,
This poem has potential. Here are a few things I question; they might be improved upon:
- 3 o'clock regardless of whether it is 3am or 3pm is an odd time to wake up at. Am I missing something? Who sets their alarm at that time?
-Am I understanding you right, that the speaker is already awake as the clock goes off? If this is the case then I like how you've shown that instead of telling it.
-Stanza 3 and 5 have some tense issues. This is a memory poem. Using both past and present is alright, just keep them separate as much as possible. Also try to use only one type of past tense: i.e. avoid using 'wrote' on one line and then 'had tried' on another. Amal is right about "I blow at the ink".
-The line, "The paper flutters / In my longing sorrow" should probably be thought through a bit more. It comes across as a little cliched and is a little hard to understand. 'Longing' is being used as an adjective even though it is a noun.
-The last stanza, properly edited for tense should read thusly:
Making sure the ink
is dry
I close the notebook
And running out (of where? be specific!)
Throw it
In the nearest
Trashcan
-Also, How recently has the speaker's significant other written in the notebook? Recently enough that the ink is still wet? I'm not understanding why the speaker would blow on the notebook if the ink is already dry. May want to change this part.
-Like I said earlier. There is potential here. Just edit the continuity and the tense problems. You've got some good images happening. How about giving it some punch at the end with a simile likening the throwing out of the notebook with something else? e.g ...throw it out in the nearest trashcan like a...
Regards,
Mr. G
I made some corrections (Thanks Amal and Mr. G for your comments!) and here's a revised version of the poem...I hope it fits in here.
Single Memory of You
My radio alarm clock
Rang at six
Signaling the beginning of my day
Somewhere down in the distance
I barely hear it, as I
Stare at words
Scribbled in my notebook
They are your words
Written in that slant
You always wrote in
Barely legible
It takes me a while
To figure out
Exactly what you
Had tried to say
I rise out of the old chair
That always squeaked
When you sat on it
I stare out the window
At the still, pitch-black sky
I wonder what I had done
To make you leave me
Without a single goodbye
Just some words
Scribbled hurriedly
In my notebook
I blow at the ink
Hoping, perhaps, that
It would still be wet
A sign that you
Had not gone
For too long
The paper flutters
In my seemingly
Eternal sorrow
I close the notebook
Slamming it shut
Shutting out the memory
Of you and me
On the beach
With the warm sand
Between our toes
And the cool water
Lapsing at our ankles
In happier times
Running out
From the room that
Suddenly had become
Too suffocating
For me to stay in
I threw my notebook
In the nearest
Trashcan
Just like all the times
I saw the landlord do so
With some unsuspecting
Rat
I really like the simile at the end and the details you added throughout. The contrast of the beach and the apartment really brought out the loss that she is feeling.
- Amal
hello
i just updated the original post with the newer version (y)
- David Jeong
Angelina,
Perhaps you were going for this effect, but I found that the poem was a bit vague, and that it might be more interesting if you use more details. But, hey, that's just my opinion. Overall, I think your poem is really well-written.
~~~
~Caitlin~
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